Mom's 6th Letter to you - Belated

Dear Ethan

I am confident you had a blast on your 6th Birthday as we spent your birthday with a few of mommy’s precious friends in a foreign country. It was something mommy had been waiting for.

Picking stones

K2 Communication book



Papa bear in 2013 yr end concert





With Tess

 

A happening & eventful year from losing my dad to being parent volunteer, P1 registration, Melbourne and year end concert.



February this year, I lost my father, your grandfather in an almost zero battle with GOD shortly after Chinese New Year. He fell & even left without bidding us goodbye. I was filled with hatred for my devotion towards GOD. However I am glad my father did impact on your life as even till this day you are telling me you remembered your last hug & last goodbye with him. REMEMBER Ah Gong will always remember you as one of his favorite grandchild.

Soccer Attire







Bowling





As we progress to the later part of year, you became very vocal & always have your own set of what you want & love to do. You began to challenge my instructions to you. Well I reckon this is part of the growing up process. I should be happy that you are behaving like a normal kid instead of becoming mommy’s “stereotype kid”.

You are excited about going to Primary School not because you love studies but given the thought that you will have pocket money to buy things. You became more sensible & sensitive towards my feelings. Sometimes I wonder if I had been too strict on you.



Roadsweeper







Your love for cook books, cooking shows & baking had motivated me to do more baking & cooking at home. You astonish me with your vast interest in this hobby. Every time we bring you to the bookshop or library, you will request either natural disasters or cooking baking books. You hardly touch on books that are suitable for your age.



Baking Class in Fidgets

Sulking at the airport

Family Photo











Sunburnt

  


Birthday Boy








Kissing Alpaca

Happy 6th Birthday! I really hoped your dreams & wishes will come true. LOVE YOU!!

200 Days

Today marks the 200th day since you left us. There is still no sign of you appearing in our dreams. We had not forgotten you nor had we stopped tearing. Have you been reading the papers we bought for you weekly?

At any time I looked into my phone photo gallery, it never failed to flash back those days when I sit at the waiting area outside the ICU with tears flowing down like a damaged tap.

** Flash flash **

On the first night you were admitted, a Malay Uncle came & told me “GOD must have his reasons why it happened. Whether you survived or you decided to leave us, it is his will.” It definitely sounded comforting.

等 到 失 去 了, 我 才 学 会 珍 惜….

Five Months

Dun ask me how I survived these five months, I just did it. I had been waiting for you in my dreams for the past 151 days pa..

Hoped you can update me on yourself soon.

Happy Birthday Pa !

五月初八
爸爸, 生日快乐 !!
对不起, 等到您过世了, 我们才记得您的农历生日
希望您过得很开心.…
我们大家都很挂念你
快快走进我的梦..

100 days

Pa, how have you been? We are missing you tremendously. It is scary to know you are alive this minute & the next minute you are gone. Loved ones sobbed, cried & mourned except for one. As days passed for some, the pain seemed totally eliminated but for me, the wounds are so raw & seems like yesterday you left me.

The Saturday before your departure, we had an argument over Lao Gong’s Chinese name -- 卿 . You definitely know more than I do. Why did I even yell @ you? My mandarin just sucks it off. When we said good bye, for some reason I felt weird. Ethan ran to hug you goodbye. Till this day, Ethan says “Mommy I will not forget the last hug that I had with your papa”. For me, I cannot erase your last wave goodbye to me when I was waiting for taxi @ the void deck.

I regretted for not rushing over when Jiejie called me to inform me you fell. I did not even talk to you before you fell into coma. I cannot bring myself to think how scared you are when the doctors hover you at the A & E ward, how the doctors plugged in all the various machines on your body and how you are being wheeled into the Operating Theatre. I recalled the 3 days when I sit at the waiting area hoping miracles will happen. But it never happened.

WHERE ARE YOU? Are you still at NUH ICU? Are you happy being with new friends? Are you in Heaven? Are you lonely? I hated the thought of you being alone & thrift for people around you. Did you manage to find your Dad & Lao Gong? So many things I wanted to ask you but where are you??

The kids saw a moth outside the door on Friday morning & ah ma says you are visiting the house. The kids keep calling ah gong ah gong…. My tears just flowed uncontrollably.

A Close Shave

Last Sunday I brought Ethan to TPY Popular. After our shopping for books we decided to have lunch there. Just as I was unloading my “books barang” on the floor before I queued up for cash withdrawal @ an enclosed UOB area on the second floor, a big tanned man rushed into the area started to bang & kicked the door of UOB.

Ethan was shocked standing there. The man suddenly turned around & asked me “Is the bank open today?” I replied I am not sure. He was standing less than a metre from me. I started to panic , grabbed my things & pushed the glass door. I was so worried that he will do something nasty towards Ethan. I shouted “Ethan, run “. The poor boy was standing there dumbfounded traumatized by the man. I quickly pulled his hands & started running towards the escalator. The guy was still shouting & yelling at us.

With all these happening even though the mall is packed, no one actually stopped , asked or even helped - so vulnerable. This is how the society is—to each meant its own ….

Despite that the little one can still be naughty, active & getting rebellious...

2 months

Two months ago you left us. Your handwritten words on scraps of paper, your letters, your tablet, every corner of the house reminded me of you.

"Dad's neighbourhood"

11th April, Friday -- We visited your niche on your 49th day passing. I managed to grab some quiet moments with you. You know how much drama the family had been going through now without you – your mom & your daughter in law. Life simply overturned abruptly without your presence.

Pa, you are right. You once jokingly told us that we will suffer without you. We really are …

Hao Yang had been missing you a lot. He told me he wished he had a pair of wings so that he can fly to heaven to see if you are happy there. Ethan had been saying hello to you whenever he stares into the sky. Pa, all the efforts you spent on the kids, we are witnessing it now.

Many a times I tried to stay positive by thinking you are away travelling or you left us with a good cause. You did not want us to suffer because of you. But everytime I pass by any hospital or even an elderly man petite like you, all the painful memories will come flooding back. I try to deny those pain by keeping myself busy but obviously it is hard to block.