Cousins

When the boys meet..

清明节终于到了

A day I had been so looking forward to

A day I can do some cleaning to Dad’s niche in Mandai

A day I can whisper my words to you

A day when tears just streamed down without realizing it

The day is finally here and I am unable to contain my excitement

A crowded day but all is well. 

First Anniversary - DAD

Time flies & in just a blink, you left us a year ago.

11^th February 2015, Wednesday 农厉十二月二十三

Lunar FIRST Anniversary

We engaged the priest to conduct a prayer ritual for you so that your tablet can be merged with the ancestors instead of your standalone tablet. Whether you will receive what we had done, we choose to believe than to short change you. After all, all your life you had been putting others ahead of yourself. Miraculously, I sensed your presence during the ritual & hoped it was not the psychological side of me.  I am happy for that but my greed wants more. I hoped to see you... 

21^st February 2015 marks the 1^st anniversary since you left us. A year ago this time, we struggled in the hospital hoping for miracles. 

It was an unfortunate accident. 

It was something no one will think it will be so fatal. 

It was my deepest regret in life that I did not rushed over or talked to you alive for the last time. 

It will always be….....

  

200 Days

Today marks the 200th day since you left us. There is still no sign of you appearing in our dreams. We had not forgotten you nor had we stopped tearing. Have you been reading the papers we bought for you weekly?

At any time I looked into my phone photo gallery, it never failed to flash back those days when I sit at the waiting area outside the ICU with tears flowing down like a damaged tap.

** Flash flash **

On the first night you were admitted, a Malay Uncle came & told me “GOD must have his reasons why it happened. Whether you survived or you decided to leave us, it is his will.” It definitely sounded comforting.

等 到 失 去 了, 我 才 学 会 珍 惜….

Five Months

Dun ask me how I survived these five months, I just did it. I had been waiting for you in my dreams for the past 151 days pa..

Hoped you can update me on yourself soon.

Happy Birthday Pa !

五月初八
爸爸, 生日快乐 !!
对不起, 等到您过世了, 我们才记得您的农历生日
希望您过得很开心.…
我们大家都很挂念你
快快走进我的梦..

100 days

Pa, how have you been? We are missing you tremendously. It is scary to know you are alive this minute & the next minute you are gone. Loved ones sobbed, cried & mourned except for one. As days passed for some, the pain seemed totally eliminated but for me, the wounds are so raw & seems like yesterday you left me.

The Saturday before your departure, we had an argument over Lao Gong’s Chinese name -- 卿 . You definitely know more than I do. Why did I even yell @ you? My mandarin just sucks it off. When we said good bye, for some reason I felt weird. Ethan ran to hug you goodbye. Till this day, Ethan says “Mommy I will not forget the last hug that I had with your papa”. For me, I cannot erase your last wave goodbye to me when I was waiting for taxi @ the void deck.

I regretted for not rushing over when Jiejie called me to inform me you fell. I did not even talk to you before you fell into coma. I cannot bring myself to think how scared you are when the doctors hover you at the A & E ward, how the doctors plugged in all the various machines on your body and how you are being wheeled into the Operating Theatre. I recalled the 3 days when I sit at the waiting area hoping miracles will happen. But it never happened.

WHERE ARE YOU? Are you still at NUH ICU? Are you happy being with new friends? Are you in Heaven? Are you lonely? I hated the thought of you being alone & thrift for people around you. Did you manage to find your Dad & Lao Gong? So many things I wanted to ask you but where are you??

The kids saw a moth outside the door on Friday morning & ah ma says you are visiting the house. The kids keep calling ah gong ah gong…. My tears just flowed uncontrollably.

2 months

Two months ago you left us. Your handwritten words on scraps of paper, your letters, your tablet, every corner of the house reminded me of you.

"Dad's neighbourhood"

11th April, Friday -- We visited your niche on your 49th day passing. I managed to grab some quiet moments with you. You know how much drama the family had been going through now without you – your mom & your daughter in law. Life simply overturned abruptly without your presence.

Pa, you are right. You once jokingly told us that we will suffer without you. We really are …

Hao Yang had been missing you a lot. He told me he wished he had a pair of wings so that he can fly to heaven to see if you are happy there. Ethan had been saying hello to you whenever he stares into the sky. Pa, all the efforts you spent on the kids, we are witnessing it now.

Many a times I tried to stay positive by thinking you are away travelling or you left us with a good cause. You did not want us to suffer because of you. But everytime I pass by any hospital or even an elderly man petite like you, all the painful memories will come flooding back. I try to deny those pain by keeping myself busy but obviously it is hard to block.

A month...

Pa, a month ago had passed. Today we are still devasted by your sudden departure. I had never stopped thinking about you and lamenting how GOD decided to seize you away from us. My tears had not stopped flowing since.

Your last handwritten page -- "the day you fell"

The officer came by on Wednesday again, asked mama what happened on the day of the accident. It was purely an accident yet they questioned & queried the details of your fall. It was very depressing having to recount back the series of events……..

Pa, if you can hear me please continue to safeguard mama because she is extremely negative without you. Ah Hian takes charge of the house for now. Jiejie has been making a lot of efforts to come by BP often despite her hectic schedule. Life never seems the same without your presence. Every corner of the house reminded me of you. Reminded me how I had been taking your presence for granted. I really miss you …….

Hoping that you can appear in my dreams soon…

My Father

This is the hardest post to pen down…

It had been exactly two weeks & we are still grieving on our loss .... :(

19th February -- the day when my dad fell in the morning, admitted to NUH via ambulance, operated with 2 brain surgeries within 1-2 hours apart & the doctors were fighting to save his life. When I saw him in the evening, his body was hooked up with life support machine.

ICU doctors called @ about 2am & said they had done all that they could on my Dad in terms of surgical & medication as his brain pressure is so huge that they would have to keep him heavily sedated. Amongst us, we reached a mutual compromised -- we do not want Dad to suffer.

20th February -- @ ~ 7plus am, the head of neurosurgery asked what we want for Dad. We opt to maintain the current dosage & depend on his will to live. Everyone rushed to the hospital including my mom & grandmom & Dad’s sisters & most importantly, Dad’s beloved 4 grandchildren whom he loved dearly. Relatives flow by to visit him alive the last time…

21st February – The day his medication was stopped as it does not work on him. There is no glimpse of hope that Dad will live on.

10.00pm -- Dad’s breathe not detected & the machine indicated zero with a straight line.

10.30pm – the machine indicated zero pressure from a pressure of ~ 150 / 65 to 0/0. Heart rate still about 110.

10.45pm – ECG machine indicated ~ 40-50. ICU nurse came in & asked if there is anyone who wants to see dad must quickly come as he will leave any moment. This was the nerve wrecking moment. Unwilling to let him go…

11.10pm – ECG indicated 0 heart beat but the chart still reflect some activity. This goes on for another 20 minutes before the doctor certified him.

His Charisma
-- Superb down to earth man who worked very hard to provide for the family

-- Minimum temper unless one really drives him to the limit. Even with that, he neither shouts, screams nor yells.

-- Thrift on himself yet splurged on his loved ones

-- Thrive to protect his family at the expense of himself

-- An extremely big hearted man with a simple wish – his children to be happy

When I was young, despite having pocket monies, my father would secretly stuff me additional pocket monies so that I can buy whatever I like in school. He dotes on his grandchildren so much so that even if they had requested for the sun, he will try his utmost best to get it for them. This is DAD.

YES this is how good he is. Now that he is gone, I realized that all these whilst; I had been taking his presence for granted.

Pa, Thank you for being a wonderful father providing a balanced life for your children despite the type of life we lead when we were young. You had been a kind & virtuous man & I hoped you will be happier with no worries. If I had not been a well-behaved daughter, I am sorry terribly sorry. Life without you never seems the same. No one to greet me @ the door & no one to even wave goodbye to me when I am waiting for taxi. The kids had been asking where Ah Gong is & we replied you are in heaven. Please take good care of yourself & do not let others bully you just like you were being used to when you were young. If you can reincarnate, look for a good family as you deserved nothing but the best. PLEASE appear in my dreams soon as I desperately need to see you. I cannot just let you go like that.....

A Good Father

Each of us has our own definition of "GOOD". To me a good father is someone who:-

1. makes every effort to play with the child

2. sacrificing his sleep for his son - eg waking up for his night feed , wakes up to put back the pacifier into the child mouth , fan the child when the child is feeling extremely hot

3. makes sure the child favourite toys are being washed before he comes back for the weekend

4. being bullied by the child (hahaha) eg : climbing a long fleet of stairs up on the hill whilst carrying this gem twice over a day.

Ethan with his leg on the father

In simply, he might not be very rich, he might not be very well-educated, he might not be able to bring big bucks home now & he can even postphone playing his favourite hobby - computer games. BUT he spends every quality time with his son.

没大没小

Ethan, Mommy say I am glad you have a good father !! What's more can I ask for?

Playmates

Kendric & Jaden posing...

Yes !! They are Ethan's playmates.

Something that touches my heart during a conversation with Jaden.

Me : Jaden, you have got 3 brothers aka cousins in all -- namely Enric , Kendric & Ethan. (En & Ken are real brothers)

Jaden : No... Enric & Kendric are brothers. I only got 1 brother. His name is Ethan Loke.

As you all know, kids do not know how to lie. I smile at him cos this 5 year old boy words really touches my heart.

MIL 60th Birthday Celebration

Just woken up from my sleep!! Yawn !!

Parent's In Law with grandchildren


Family Photo

On this day, we gathered & celebrated the birthday of my Mother-In-Law @ Peach Garen Thomson Plaza. The food was fanastic with excellent dessert..

HAPPY 60th BIRTHDAY !!

4th years old ^-^

Time really flies...This boy will turn 4th years old soon. We held an early celebration for him at my house today as the family is travelling soon.

HAPPY 4TH YEARS OLD ENRIC!! Behave yourself in Xi-an ^_^

A cute photo of Jaden

Suddenly saw this picture in my D drive taken when he was 2.5 years old.....

I named this photo as "Nezha" "哪吒" who is a deity, the enfant terrible trickster, originally of Chinese mythology. Now tat he is approaching 5 years old this year, can you see the drastic change?

So mommies & mommies-to-be, it is important to capture the daily life of your loved ones..

Sis, hoped you will not styled unique hairstyle for Bb Ethan next time.. hah hah hah....

The V Post

My 1st blog will be dedicated to the 3 cuties. In fact they are the JOY of my LIFE. Do not be mistaken, they are my nephews ;)

- Jaden (e boy in green stripe) will be turning 5 years of age tis December.

- Enric (e boy in white top) will be turning 4 years of age tis November.

- Kendric (e baby) will be celebrating his 1st birthday in December. Both Enric & Kendric are brothers..

I recalled how time flies when my 3 cuties were still babies. They definitely bring the family - much closer & stronger with us hovering around each other @ the slightest sound the babies made. The slightest reaction brought me sweet & wonderful dreams in my la-la-la-land.

Can you imagine when my eldest nephew 1st started smiling, crawling, sitting up, 1st step of walking & talking blah-blah-blah this & that. You visualised when he said "Yiyi I love you". Not only that it comes with a hug & a peck on your cheek. Now it becomes a weekly Saturday Macdonald session that I shared with my sister & family. This had been on-going since Jaden was 1.5 years of age.

** Any MAC management staff, we can be awarded lifetime loyal patrons..dun play play.

These are the wonderful tots that all engraved in my memories. No matter how tired you are, these kids will perk you up. Trust me, it is definitely worth the efforts.