100 days

Pa, how have you been? We are missing you tremendously. It is scary to know you are alive this minute & the next minute you are gone. Loved ones sobbed, cried & mourned except for one. As days passed for some, the pain seemed totally eliminated but for me, the wounds are so raw & seems like yesterday you left me.

The Saturday before your departure, we had an argument over Lao Gong’s Chinese name -- 卿 . You definitely know more than I do. Why did I even yell @ you? My mandarin just sucks it off. When we said good bye, for some reason I felt weird. Ethan ran to hug you goodbye. Till this day, Ethan says “Mommy I will not forget the last hug that I had with your papa”. For me, I cannot erase your last wave goodbye to me when I was waiting for taxi @ the void deck.

I regretted for not rushing over when Jiejie called me to inform me you fell. I did not even talk to you before you fell into coma. I cannot bring myself to think how scared you are when the doctors hover you at the A & E ward, how the doctors plugged in all the various machines on your body and how you are being wheeled into the Operating Theatre. I recalled the 3 days when I sit at the waiting area hoping miracles will happen. But it never happened.

WHERE ARE YOU? Are you still at NUH ICU? Are you happy being with new friends? Are you in Heaven? Are you lonely? I hated the thought of you being alone & thrift for people around you. Did you manage to find your Dad & Lao Gong? So many things I wanted to ask you but where are you??

The kids saw a moth outside the door on Friday morning & ah ma says you are visiting the house. The kids keep calling ah gong ah gong…. My tears just flowed uncontrollably.

A Close Shave

Last Sunday I brought Ethan to TPY Popular. After our shopping for books we decided to have lunch there. Just as I was unloading my “books barang” on the floor before I queued up for cash withdrawal @ an enclosed UOB area on the second floor, a big tanned man rushed into the area started to bang & kicked the door of UOB.

Ethan was shocked standing there. The man suddenly turned around & asked me “Is the bank open today?” I replied I am not sure. He was standing less than a metre from me. I started to panic , grabbed my things & pushed the glass door. I was so worried that he will do something nasty towards Ethan. I shouted “Ethan, run “. The poor boy was standing there dumbfounded traumatized by the man. I quickly pulled his hands & started running towards the escalator. The guy was still shouting & yelling at us.

With all these happening even though the mall is packed, no one actually stopped , asked or even helped - so vulnerable. This is how the society is—to each meant its own ….

Despite that the little one can still be naughty, active & getting rebellious...

2 months

Two months ago you left us. Your handwritten words on scraps of paper, your letters, your tablet, every corner of the house reminded me of you.

"Dad's neighbourhood"

11th April, Friday -- We visited your niche on your 49th day passing. I managed to grab some quiet moments with you. You know how much drama the family had been going through now without you – your mom & your daughter in law. Life simply overturned abruptly without your presence.

Pa, you are right. You once jokingly told us that we will suffer without you. We really are …

Hao Yang had been missing you a lot. He told me he wished he had a pair of wings so that he can fly to heaven to see if you are happy there. Ethan had been saying hello to you whenever he stares into the sky. Pa, all the efforts you spent on the kids, we are witnessing it now.

Many a times I tried to stay positive by thinking you are away travelling or you left us with a good cause. You did not want us to suffer because of you. But everytime I pass by any hospital or even an elderly man petite like you, all the painful memories will come flooding back. I try to deny those pain by keeping myself busy but obviously it is hard to block.

A month...

Pa, a month ago had passed. Today we are still devasted by your sudden departure. I had never stopped thinking about you and lamenting how GOD decided to seize you away from us. My tears had not stopped flowing since.

Your last handwritten page -- "the day you fell"

The officer came by on Wednesday again, asked mama what happened on the day of the accident. It was purely an accident yet they questioned & queried the details of your fall. It was very depressing having to recount back the series of events……..

Pa, if you can hear me please continue to safeguard mama because she is extremely negative without you. Ah Hian takes charge of the house for now. Jiejie has been making a lot of efforts to come by BP often despite her hectic schedule. Life never seems the same without your presence. Every corner of the house reminded me of you. Reminded me how I had been taking your presence for granted. I really miss you …….

Hoping that you can appear in my dreams soon…

My Father

This is the hardest post to pen down…

It had been exactly two weeks & we are still grieving on our loss .... :(

19th February -- the day when my dad fell in the morning, admitted to NUH via ambulance, operated with 2 brain surgeries within 1-2 hours apart & the doctors were fighting to save his life. When I saw him in the evening, his body was hooked up with life support machine.

ICU doctors called @ about 2am & said they had done all that they could on my Dad in terms of surgical & medication as his brain pressure is so huge that they would have to keep him heavily sedated. Amongst us, we reached a mutual compromised -- we do not want Dad to suffer.

20th February -- @ ~ 7plus am, the head of neurosurgery asked what we want for Dad. We opt to maintain the current dosage & depend on his will to live. Everyone rushed to the hospital including my mom & grandmom & Dad’s sisters & most importantly, Dad’s beloved 4 grandchildren whom he loved dearly. Relatives flow by to visit him alive the last time…

21st February – The day his medication was stopped as it does not work on him. There is no glimpse of hope that Dad will live on.

10.00pm -- Dad’s breathe not detected & the machine indicated zero with a straight line.

10.30pm – the machine indicated zero pressure from a pressure of ~ 150 / 65 to 0/0. Heart rate still about 110.

10.45pm – ECG machine indicated ~ 40-50. ICU nurse came in & asked if there is anyone who wants to see dad must quickly come as he will leave any moment. This was the nerve wrecking moment. Unwilling to let him go…

11.10pm – ECG indicated 0 heart beat but the chart still reflect some activity. This goes on for another 20 minutes before the doctor certified him.

His Charisma
-- Superb down to earth man who worked very hard to provide for the family

-- Minimum temper unless one really drives him to the limit. Even with that, he neither shouts, screams nor yells.

-- Thrift on himself yet splurged on his loved ones

-- Thrive to protect his family at the expense of himself

-- An extremely big hearted man with a simple wish – his children to be happy

When I was young, despite having pocket monies, my father would secretly stuff me additional pocket monies so that I can buy whatever I like in school. He dotes on his grandchildren so much so that even if they had requested for the sun, he will try his utmost best to get it for them. This is DAD.

YES this is how good he is. Now that he is gone, I realized that all these whilst; I had been taking his presence for granted.

Pa, Thank you for being a wonderful father providing a balanced life for your children despite the type of life we lead when we were young. You had been a kind & virtuous man & I hoped you will be happier with no worries. If I had not been a well-behaved daughter, I am sorry terribly sorry. Life without you never seems the same. No one to greet me @ the door & no one to even wave goodbye to me when I am waiting for taxi. The kids had been asking where Ah Gong is & we replied you are in heaven. Please take good care of yourself & do not let others bully you just like you were being used to when you were young. If you can reincarnate, look for a good family as you deserved nothing but the best. PLEASE appear in my dreams soon as I desperately need to see you. I cannot just let you go like that.....

Mom's 5th Letter to you

Dear Ethan

You are offically 5 years old today. My wish for you this year is to stay healthy & happy always. Be positive in whatever you are doing becos we believed in you.

This year you embarked in swimming lesson which you looked forward to the weekly Wednesday evening swimming lesson. To me it was a big deal as you managed to overcome the fear of water.



Holding hands with gf Marilyn



In school



Looking smart



@ the Barber



Wake up look

With best friend Ayden

Favourite place to dine in -- Pepper Lunch

Learning Chinese words



Like own siblings



Swimming lesson



SEA - hazy day

Barber barber again

Art Museum



Playing Lego



Cousin Valencia

Mom's Favourite Photo

Mid-Autumn Celebration in school



Too tired



Casualty - price to pay for not listening



Blythe & Bernice celebrating for you



2013 K1 Class photo



You seems to like things like volcanoes & earthquakes issuing revolving the nature. You enjoyed readings books on natural disasters. We are glad that your life does not revolves around just toys toys & more toys.

I tend to be a very strict & stern mom but believe in me whatever I do for you now is beneficial to you when as you grow older. Always remember you are surrounded by people who loves you dearly. Happy Birthday my dear boy !!

Another year older another year wiser :)

Time REALLY Really really FLIES

In just a blink, this is the 3rd year my little one is attending the same childcare.

2011

2012

2013

I am missing his baby smell, toddler talk & kiddish act.