100 days

Pa, how have you been? We are missing you tremendously. It is scary to know you are alive this minute & the next minute you are gone. Loved ones sobbed, cried & mourned except for one. As days passed for some, the pain seemed totally eliminated but for me, the wounds are so raw & seems like yesterday you left me.

The Saturday before your departure, we had an argument over Lao Gong’s Chinese name -- 卿 . You definitely know more than I do. Why did I even yell @ you? My mandarin just sucks it off. When we said good bye, for some reason I felt weird. Ethan ran to hug you goodbye. Till this day, Ethan says “Mommy I will not forget the last hug that I had with your papa”. For me, I cannot erase your last wave goodbye to me when I was waiting for taxi @ the void deck.

I regretted for not rushing over when Jiejie called me to inform me you fell. I did not even talk to you before you fell into coma. I cannot bring myself to think how scared you are when the doctors hover you at the A & E ward, how the doctors plugged in all the various machines on your body and how you are being wheeled into the Operating Theatre. I recalled the 3 days when I sit at the waiting area hoping miracles will happen. But it never happened.

WHERE ARE YOU? Are you still at NUH ICU? Are you happy being with new friends? Are you in Heaven? Are you lonely? I hated the thought of you being alone & thrift for people around you. Did you manage to find your Dad & Lao Gong? So many things I wanted to ask you but where are you??

The kids saw a moth outside the door on Friday morning & ah ma says you are visiting the house. The kids keep calling ah gong ah gong…. My tears just flowed uncontrollably.